How to Talk About Sex

Having satisfying sexual interactions involves directly communicating your sexual desires, needs and boundaries. This can be challenging, because talking about sex is considered taboo in our society, and most people are not taught how to talk about sex. Although we want our sexual partners to be mind-readers, they are not. What one sexual partner might enjoy, another sexual partner might dislike or just find okay. What one person might enjoy one day might change the next day, week, or year due to context and/or body changes. Due to this, it is important to actively communicate about what you want (and don’t want) sexually. This could involve checking in with your sexual parter about what they want before and/or after sexual interactions as well as proactively expressing what you want during sex. Here are some examples of ways to initiate, offer feedback, set boundaries, and check in during sex.

Here are some examples of how to initiate sex:

• Do you want to have sex?

• Is there anything I can do to get you in the mood for sex?

• Could we schedule a time to have sex this week?

• Shall we take this to the bedroom?

• I’m really turned on right now. Are you interested in having sex?

Here are some examples of sexual feedback that you could offer (so that your partner knows exactly what you want):

• That feels really good/keep doing that/I want more of that.

• I would like you to [go faster/slower/do it harder/more gently].

• I would like to [switch positions].

• I would like to use [this toy]. Would you like to try it?

• I feel more connected when we [do this during sex].

• I like to have a lot of foreplay before intercourse.

• It really turns me on when you [insert action].

• I like to have intercourse in [doggie style, cowgirl, girl on top, lying side by side, missionary, etc.].

• I typically orgasm through [oral sex, intercourse, manual stimulations, specific sex position, etc.].

Here are some examples of setting sexual boundaries (so that you feel safe, respected, and in control):

• It is important for my sexual wellbeing that my partners [use condoms/get tested for STIs].

• I don’t want you to ejaculate in/on my [body part].

• I don’t like having intercourse in [this position].

• I don’t like to be touched here [insert body part].

• I don’t like to be touched [in this way].

• I’m not comfortable with [insert action].

• I need to take a break.

Here are some examples of ways to check in with your partner (to make sure that you’re on the same page):

• Does this feel good/do you like this?

• What would you like me to do?

• Do you want to keep going?

• How are you feeling?

• Would you like me to [insert action]?

• I want to [do this], are you interested?