Emotional Boundary Violations and How to Avoid Them

Emotional boundary violations contribute to a lack of emotional safety in a relationship. When they happen repeatedly, the person who experiences them may questions themselves and feel a lack of self worth. They might also feel like they are walking on eggshells (feeling fearful of what might happen if they say or do “the wrong thing”), and feel that they do not have space or safety to be vulnerable and/or to be themselves in the relationship. These actions will likely escalate a conflict and create more emotional distance.

Yelling: Screaming, yelling, and swearing can intimidate someone and make them feel small and inconsequential. This creates a sense of fear and upsets the nervous system. 

Do this instead: Notice your anger and choose to direct it differently. Take space or take some deep breaths, and express yourself calmly. 

Name-calling and insults: Any sentence that begins with “You are a …” and contains a negative characteristic. Blatantly calling someone “stupid,” “a loser,” or cursing at them.

Do this instead: Take space and/or deep breaths to calm down. Express how you are feeling and/or what you need.

Shaming, humiliating, intimidating: Communicating that someone is bad or worthless person. Shaming behavior includes ridiculing someone, mocking, being sarcastic, belittling, humoring, patronizing, or being condescending. Ex “You’re so crazy/stupid/ect.”

Do this instead: Often, these actions are due to shame turned outwards and directed at others. Instead, slow down and notice what you are feeling. Are you feeling ashamed of yourself in some way? Give yourself space to process this. Recognize why you value your partner and treat your partner respectfully by not interacting with them in this way.

Dismissiveness: When your partner shares something important and you reply with, “What? Who cares about that?” Or “You’re so overly sensitive.” Body language like eye rolling, smirking, head shaking, and sighing help convey the same message.

Do this instead: Recognize what you’re feeling that is causing you to dismiss them. Try to understand their perspective and have empathy for them. Get curious and ask them questions such as “tell me more about why you feel that way.” 

Telling an adult what he or she thinks: Assuming that we KNOW what other person thinks or feels, (“You just don’t care”) is intrusive.

Do this instead: Rather than assuming that you know what your partner thinks or feels, express curiosity towards them. If you are feeling insecure or fearful, express this without making an assumption about them. Ex. “When you do this…I feel worried that you don’t care about me.”

Guilt-tripping, blaming and interrogating: Inducing undeserved guilt, for example, “Fine, go out with your friends, I’ll survive.” Making accusations, repeatedly questioning in a jealous/suspicious/paranoid way.

Do this instead: If you’re feeling worried about the security of your attachment with your partner, express this directly, and ask for reassurance. Or, sooth yourself by reminding yourself of that ways your partner has shown that they love you. 

Controlling/limiting someone’s behavior: Keeping someone from seeing a friend or leaving the house. Monitoring their whereabouts, looking through their phone.

Do this instead: Respect your partner’s autonomy. Ask for reassurance/engage in self-soothing if needed. If you want more time with your partner, ask for this directly. 

Pressuring/coercing someone into having sex: Asking to have sex repeatedly after they have said no, guilt tripping someone into having sex “you just don’t like me/care about me.” 

Do this instead: Invite your partner to have sex rather than pressuring them. “I’d like to have sex right now. Are you interested? Is there anything I can do to help you get in the mood?” If they say no, respect it. If you need reassurance, ask for it.

Source: The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work by Terrence Real