How to Practice Self-Compassion: An Exercise
If you have a tendency to be hard on yourself, to focus on perfection, or to define yourself by your mistakes, it may be helpful to work on being more compassionate with yourself. Self compassion, which was developed by Dr. Kristin Neff and draws from Buddhism and the principles of mindfulness, is a technique that normalizes our imperfections as human beings, and teaches us to turn compassion inwards. Here is an exercise that you can do in order to develop the ability to be more compassion towards yourself:
Start by taking several deep breathes in order to ground yourself. Notice the feeling of the floor underneath your feet, and the feeling of your breath coming in and out of your chest. It you notice yourself getting distracted, choose to come back to the present moment.
Next, think of a mistake that you made. To start off, think of a medium-sized mistake such as failing an exam or getting a bad review at work, and as you get better at offering yourself compassion, you can apply this to bigger mistakes as well.
As you think about this mistake, notice how you are talking to yourself. Are you being critical or judgmental of yourself for this mistake? What story are you telling yourself about this mistake?
Notice what emotions and bodily sensations you are feeling. Maybe you’re feeling sad, anxious, disappointed, angry, shameful, guilty, frustrated, or more. Maybe you feel tension in your chest, tightness in your throat, heaviness, a racing pulse, or something else. Just notice this, allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, and just trying to stay present with this.
Next, offer yourself some empathy and validation. For instance, you could tell yourself, “it makes sense that I feel disappointed and anxious about this mistake.”
Then, tell yourself that all human beings are imperfect; that it part of human nature and our common humanity to mess up. Remind yourself that these mistakes do not define us, but rather, are opportunities to learn and grow.
Finally, offer yourself kindness, compassion and understanding about this mistake. It can help to think about what a kind and loving friend would say to you in this situation, or what you might say to a beloved friend, partner, or to your child. If you notice yourself going back to self critical thoughts, try to redirect yourself back to being more compassionate with yourself.