Guidelines for a More Enjoyable Sexual Experience
If you are not actively feeling turned on, ask yourself what might help you get in the mood. This could be any of the following:
-Playing music
-Making your atmosphere nice (in ways such as making the bed, lighting candles, etc)
-Putting on clothing that you feel sexy in
-Watching something, reading something or listening to something that helps you
become turned on
-Talking dirty
-Engaging in touch that turns you on
-Having a romantic experience with your partner such as taking a bath together, going on a date, or dancing
-Having an emotionally connective conversation
Tell yourself that the goal of this experience is to simply connect and experience pleasure together. While our society norms focus on having “goal-oriented” sex, or sex with the “goal” of having intercourse and an orgasm, this puts pressure on the sexual interaction and often leads to less enjoyable sex and even performance anxiety that can inhibit sexual desire. Instead, focusing on pleasure and connection can create more flexibility and lead to more enjoyment.
Work on removing any expectation or judgment of yourself, and instead, approach the experience with neutrality and curiosity. There is no “right” way to do things, correct order, or things that you “should” or “should not” like or do. You can ask yourself:
-What kind of touch feels good/doesn’t feel good?
-What turns me on?
-What do I want more of?
Try to focus on noticing what you are interested in doing, expressing this to your partner, and listening and incorporating what they are interested in too.
Many people find that starting slowly helps with feeling comfortable, connected and aroused. This could look like kissing, cuddling, engaging in massage, and/or touching each others’ bodies sensually. Then, if you’re feeling interested, you can move into breast/chest play, manual stimulation and/or oral stimulation. If you feel like having penetrative sex, you can do that. You might want to bring in a vibrator or sex toy, or engage in kink. Maybe this leads to orgasm or maybe it does not.
If you notice yourself getting distracted, take a deep breath and re-focus on the sensation. If needed, you can stop or take a break.
Try to stay in the present moment, noticing how it feels to be touched and staying in the sensation. Listen to your body.