How to Navigate Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Most couples who find themselves facing the challenge of desire discrepancy (one partner wanting to have sex more often than the other) don’t realize that they may have two different types of sexual desire. In her book, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagasaki describes two desire styles.
The first type of desire is called spontaneous desire. This it was is often depicted in movies, where people all-of-the-sudden want to have sex. It just pops up, without any particular stimulus leading to it. In the movies, people often experience spontaneous desire at the exact same time, leading into a passionate sexual experience. Spontaneous desire is more common for cisgender men (i.e. having a random erection) and also more common during the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, or the first 6 months of a relationship. This type of desire has also been deemed the “healthy” type of desire which you are “supposed to” have, so sometimes people think that something is wrong with them when they do not experience this.
The second type of desire, which is much less commonly depicted in movies, is called “responsive desire.” This type of desire requires stimulus, such as visual cues (seeing something that turns you on), emotion cues (feeling emotionally connected to your partner), or erotic cues (being touched in a way that turns you on). When couples have a mismatch in desire, often, one partner more commonly experiences responsive desire, and the other more commonly experiences responsive desire. When it is expected for spontaneous desire to lead to sex, sex often happens less frequently, because the likelihood of both partners experiencing spontaneous desire at the same time is fairly unlikely.
In order to resolve this issue, couples need to explore what ignites responsive desire. For the partner with responsive desire, it can be helpful to think about if they are willing to have sex. If the answer is yes, then they can ask, “What will get me from willing to have sex to actively wanting to have sex?” Some ways to ignite responsive desire can be to:
-Create a sexy environment (such as a bed that has been made, candle lighting, music, etc.)
-Put on something you feel sexy/comfortable in
-Watch, read, or listen to something sexy such porn, a sexy movie, or sexy story (check out Dipsea)
-Do something romantic with your partner such as going on a date, taking a bath together, dancing together, etc.
-Have an emotionally connective conversation with your partner
-Watch your partner do something that they are good at
-Touch your partner or have them touch you in a sensual way or give/get a massage
-Talk about what you want to do sexually with your partner
By using these tools, the partner with responsive desire can feel more empowered to initiate sex or to get in the mood when their partner is in the mood for sex. Of course, it is also important to note that in order for someone to actively want to have sex, the sexual experience itself needs to be pleasurable for both partners (see my blog posts on Guidelines for a More Enjoyable Sexual Experience and How to Talk about Sex in order to work towards a more mutually pleasurable sexual experience).
Additionally, having too many or too strong of turn offs can get in the way of igniting responsive desire. For instance, if someone is stressed out, anxious or depressed, feeling disconnected from their partner, feeling self concious of their body, touched out from caring from a child, or recovering from sexual trauma, this can get in the way of igniting sexual desire. Depending on the situation, this might mean waiting to have sex until a better time (ex. once the to do list is finished or the stressed out partner is feeling more relaxed) and/or it might mean going to therapy to engage in deeper work around these issues.