The Five Stages of Grief

In her book On Death and Dying, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross writes about the process of grief that many people go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (DABDA). This process, she says, is not linear; people may jump back and forth between the stages. These stages come in waves, and it can be helpful to remember that each stage will eventually pass. 

While the stages of grief are often associated with the death of a loved one, Kubler-Ross claims that people can go through the grieving process in response to any change, positive or negative. Change causes loss, and as a result, grief. This could be related to changing identity, roles, jobs, etc. For instance, the change of having a baby, while exciting and hopeful for many people, can lead to a grieving process (that for some, can contribute to postpartum depression). Even small changes, such as having a friend cancel plans, can provoke the grieving process. Simply noticing, “I’m in the anger phase right now” can be helpful. Here is an outline of each phase of grief.

Denial - In this stage, the grieving person does not accept the reality of what has happened. This stage may be associated with avoidance, confusion, shock, numbness and fear. Avoidance can serve as a protective mechanism, keeping the grieving person from feeling pain. For someone going through a divorce, this might look like pretending that they are still married, avoiding thinking about it or feeling emotions related to getting divorced, interacting with their ex-partner like nothing is different, and/or not telling family and friends. 

Anger - In this stage, the grieving person expresses anger. This may be directed internally or externally. For someone going through a divorce, anger might look like existential anger towards the concept of love, marriage or relationships, anger directed towards the ex-partner (“I hate them!”) or directed internally (“What’s wrong with me?!”).

Bargaining - In this stage, the grieving person attempts to take control over the loss by thinking about what they could do or could have done to change their current circumstances. This can be a way to gain a sense of certainty when everything feels confusing, chaotic, over-whelming, and up in the air. In a divorce, someone in this phrase might think or say, “We should have gone to couples therapy earlier” or “If you had worked on your issues, we would still be together” or “Maybe if I change this thing about myself, they’ll come back.” 

Depression - This stage of grief is most widely represented in the media. In this stage, the grieving person may feel sad or hopeless. In a divorce, they might question their existence or the point of marriage, they might worry that they will never find love again or see themselves as unlovable or a failure, and/or might self isolate and have a hard time caring for themself. (If this stage feelings too over-whelming, or you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, it is important to seek out therapy).

Acceptance - In this stage, the grieving person recognizes that while life is different than before, they can keep going on with life. They have acknowledged the loss of what was and found ways to move on and live with the current reality. In a divorce, acceptance can look like acknowledging the loss of the relationship while also accepting and even feeling excitement or hope about being single and/or finding a new relationship.

A few things that can help with the grieving process are:

-Acknowledging your emotions/each phase and taking some time to sit with the emotion and allowing yourself to feel this way.

-Recognizing that change is an inevitable part of life. Tapping into resilience by noticing in the ways that you have overcome challenging changes in the past and applying this to the current circumstances.

-Reminding yourself that grief comes in waves, and that each wave will pass.

-Noticing when something triggers a stage of grief (this could happen months or years after coming to “acceptance”) and slowing down and giving yourself space to process it.

-Engaging in self care activities like going for a walk, taking a bath, or eating a comforting meal.

-Creating a weekly routine in order to have a sense of stability.

-Getting support from family and friends.

-Seeking out therapy in order to process and accept the loss.