Steps for Co-regulation
When you are in an argument with your partner, your child, or someone else, or you see them in distress, this is an opportunity to connect and co-regulate. Co-regulating means working together to get from a heightened emotional state back to a state of calm. Here are some steps for co-regulating:
Take slow, deep breaths. Emotions are held in the body, so calming yourself and your partner begins with calming the body. Even being next to someone who is breathing deeply can be grounding.
Acknowledge and name your emotions (or if both people are dysregulated, do this one at a time). Simply acknowledging your emotions can help to regulate them. Use I statements “I feel…(sad/angry/hurt/disappointed, ect.)”
Use open and caring body language. While one person is expressing their emotions, the other person can show that they are listening and that they care by turning towards them, looking them in the eye, nodding, and using a gentle tone of voice.
Have the listener reflect back and validate the emotions that have been expressed. Ex. “I can see why you feel that way/that makes so much sense that you’re feeling…” Even if you don’t feel the same way or might have had a different reaction or perspective, try to empathize with the other person and understand where they are coming from. (Take turns doing this if both people are dysregulated).
Use your bodies to co-regulate. If it feels good for you, you can hold hands, hug, or engage in touch as a way to ground yourselves. You could lie or the floor together or cuddle under a blanket.
Access a state of relaxation through your environment. Doing these steps in a space where you feel comfortable and safe can be helpful. Go into a room that feels safe, go for a walk outside, or to another place that feels comforting for you.